I just finished speaking at the Rainbow Serpent Festival in Australia. I’m not sure exactly what sequence of events led me to speak there. If you asked me to justify this whole trip to Taiwan, Indonesia, and Australia, I wouldn’t be able to justify it, certainly not if I add up the fossil fuel burned or, more personally, the precious irreplaceable moments away from my loved ones. To make matters worse, this was my second trip to Australia in two months.I’ve been deprogramming myself from justifying things, learning another way of making choices outside of reasons and expected outcomes. What has come from these trips was so beyond what I could have expected, that I cannot help but conclude the whole thing has been “arranged,” and that my experience of choice-making, whether according to reasons or to something else, is a delusion. It seems much more like I am being taken on a ride. I am changing so much through these trips that I feel a bit unfamiliar to myself. And I am standing very much in the unknown.
Much of what I’ve received, I knew in theory existed. I have even written about it. My writings seem to have brought their very subject into my life. I cannot yet describe what has been happening or how I have changed; those stories aren’t ripe yet. I think they will take the form of a book someday, maybe fictional. For now I can say that each of these trips has changed me forever and brought people and experiences that I hardly know how to integrate into my world, because they are new _in kind_. I cannot merely embroider them onto an existing tapestry; they don’t fit into its pattern; they are radically new design elements that demand an unstitching and a reweaving.
That is a pretty good description of that state I speak about so often, the “space between stories.” How odd it is to find it happening to myself. Certainly I have been through it before in my life, but what I now realize is that in the prior unraveling, a deeper story had remained intact. And I am sure that after I integrate these experiences and enter a new Story of Self and a new Story of the World, that my future will bring me initiations deeper still.
Those who are reading this who know me personally, please don’t ask me to tell more. When the story is ripe it will be told, in one form or another. The reason I am sharing this now (and I realize this is quite an intimate sharing for those who joined my blog to hear about more intellectual topics, which I will continue to write and speak about too) is that, well, first it is what is real for me now; second, it is what is real for many other people too; third, I think it will become more and more apparent that it is happening collectively too.
And one more thing. The kind of breakdown, uncertainty, and emergence that happened at my Bali retreat is very much related to where I am personally, in this place of not knowing. Paradoxically, not knowing is what I know most authentically right now. Therefore, I have decided to rename and restructure the e-course that I’ve been designing. The original course, called The Revolution is Love, will be postponed until later in the year. The new one will be called, you guessed it, The Space Between Stories. It will be for people who are in some stage of the transition process: in an unraveling existing story, in the space between, or in an emerging but still tender new story. I’ll offer a more detailed introduction to it next week.
I have been a person who tried to control everything in my life , it made me feel safe in a world of uncertainty. Growing up with abusive parents where everyday was unpredictable and chaotic, controlling everything became paramount to living a stable life. I dreamed of the day when I would finally move far away and marry a kind man, have two beautiful children and live in a big house with a white picket fence…everything would then be ok….I would be safe and happy. That story happened and imploded, everything and everyone left and I was brought to my knees in despair. That was 10 years ago and life is much different now, I have surrendered my willfulness and control and have become a teachable spirit. I am also aware of how uncomfortable I am with uncertainty… however… overt time, it has softened as not knowing yields surprise and wonder. I am in the space between, I am unraveling and I can feel the deep transformation. I am grateful for your courage and grace in speaking and writing, your words touch my heart.
Hola, sin querer llegué hasta aquí, creo que nada es coincidencia, ya que actualmente estoy en ese espacio de transición… agradecería el contenido estuviese en español, ya que el traductor de Google no es tan bueno, pero a pesar de eso me sentí identificada con lo que leí.
I would venture to say that life is full of these transitions and the moment itself in which nothing is changing is so brief, we barely notice it. The uncertainty can be loved or hated but it is there. We look to each other for guidance and I am thankful to have found you and the community around you